"Ladies' Man..."

This is another exhortation to think about how the language we use reinforces worldly views of gender versus Scriptural views; a bit of a companion post to my earlier post, "Ladies..."

Ok, well, let's start with some frank, if perhaps somewhat biased, opinions: I think my son is an absolute looker. I mean, he looks like his Daddy, and his Daddy is a babe, so how could he not be, but something about his fluffy blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and miles-long dark eyelashes seem to move other people to agree with me. People are always stopping us in the grocery store and such to tell him what lovely eyes he has. And hey, my mama-heart likes seeing my son praised, although I know his outward appearance is superficial and will in no way determine whether he is a man after God's heart-- which is what really matters. But it's nice to see my son making a favourable impression.

However.

There's something a lot of people (unfortunately, some of them believers) tend to say to him that really troubles me; something along the lines of, "You're going to be quite the ladies' man, aren't you?" or "The girls will just love you." Lest you think I've just misplaced my sense of humour over what people obviously intend as a lighthearted remark, let me unpack why this troubles me.

If this was an isolated cultural incident, maybe it could be shrugged off as 'no big deal' or 'just a joke'. But it's not; far from it. One of the most common ways our culture warps God's ideal of masculinity is by promoting the ladies' man as a paragon of manliness. If you need convincing that this is a culturally-prevalent attitude, check out two places where cultural norms are not usually challenged: superhero movies and TV commercials. Watch an Axe commercial*. Or a beer commercial, or a shaving commercial, or pretty well any commercial that airs during a sporting event. Picture Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark's glamorous millionaire lifestyle, traveling everywhere with a girl on either arm. Alternately, think of Steve Rogers (Captain America) prior to his enhancement: as a runty, unhealthy (i.e. not very masculine) guy, he can't get one girl interested in him, while his handsome, broad-shouldered friend can easily pick up two. The message is clear, and it is everywhere: if you're really manly, you can get lots of girls to sleep with you-- and you'll want to.

Is this what people are thinking when they compliment my son by predicting he'll be sexually appealing lots of women? I hope not-- I hope they're just not thinking at all, not realising that they're predicting my one-year-old will be sexually appealing to lots of women (because if they are thinking in that language, that's thoroughly creepy). But the fact that it's unthinking doesn't change the fact that they're planting those seeds in his mind, adding their weight to a cultural barrage that would push my son into thinking uncommitted, unchecked sleeping around is glamourous and desirable.

Now think of Christ. Think of his singleminded, self-sacrificing pursuit of his one Bride. Think of the sober, committed man of God called to lead the churches and how his faithfulness to his wife is among the first qualifications given in 1 Timothy 3. Think of Proverbs 5, pleadingly praising the blessedness of enjoying one committed relationship and using words like "scattered" "folly" and "led astray" in relation to this "ladies' man" ideal our culture promotes. Do we really believe that following God's statutes is a delight and "riches", as Psalm 119 puts it? Then let us not use the language of rebellious ignorance to God's way in our praise of little children!

What I would love is if people instead said, "You're going to make one woman very happy."** That's a goal I would like him to have. Here's the thing: there is absolutely nothing wrong-- indeed, there's plenty right-- with a godly man who chooses not to pursue any romantic relationship at all until he finds a woman who not only attracts him with her beauty, but also impresses him with her character, nothing wrong with waiting for God's timing, and most of all, nothing wrong with being a guy who just never really interests most girls he meets, until he meets the one woman whom God intended for him, who can see parts of him that others couldn't, and who will appreciate him as a whole man, body, mind, and spirit-- not just a hottie good for a one-night stand.***

I would like to talk at a later point about another harmful cultural warping of masculinity/femininity, in which purity is seen as a more feminine virtue, but for now I think I'll leave you with this plea: next time you bend down to a little boy's level and let him know you think he's great, can you take a second and check that that encouragement will help him think of Christlikeness as more desirable than being liked by lots of women?


*I was going to link an Axe commercial but they are just too offensive, especially coming from the same company who owns Dove and purports to be promoting respect for women and their natural beauty. Basically, picture dozens of stick-thin but busty girls in the tiniest bikinis possible, fighting and racing each other to get to one man. Tagline, "Spray more, get more." Phallic symbol duly included.)
** Or, even better, left his future sex appeal off the table entirely?
***This works the same way for girls, by the way. I wish there was a way to reassure all the single girls I know that it doesn't matter two straws if there's no one interested in them right now. I was never the object of much male attention before I caught Steven's eye, and darned if I can think of one way that has made our love the less sweet or our marriage the less wonderfully fulfilling.

John Calvin on 1 Timothy 2:9-10

"9 In like manner also women As he enjoined men to lift up pure hands, so he now prescribes the manner in which women ought to prepare for praying aright. And there appears to be an implied contrast between those virtues which he recommends and the outward sanctification of the Jews; for he intimates that there is no profane place, nor any from which both men and women may not draw near to God, provided they are not excluded by their vices.

He intended to embrace the opportunity of correcting a vice to which women are almost always prone, and which perhaps at Ephesus, being a city of vast wealth and extensive merchandise, especially abounded. That vice is — excessive eagerness and desire to be richly dressed. He wishes therefore that their dress should be regulated by modesty and sobriety; for luxury and immoderate expense arise from a desire to make a display either for the sake of pride or of departure from chastity. And hence we ought to derive the rule of moderation; for, since dress is an indifferent matter, (as all outward matters are,) it is difficult to assign a fixed limit, how far we ought to go. Magistrates may indeed make laws, by means of which a rage for superfluous expenditure shall be in some measure restrained; but godly teachers, whose business it is to guide the consciences, ought always to keep in view the end of lawful use. This at least will be settled beyond all controversy, that every thing in dress which is not in accordance with modesty and sobriety must be disapproved.

Yet we must always begin with the dispositions; for where debauchery reigns within, there will be no chastity; and where ambition reigns within, there will be no modesty in the outward dress. But because hypocrites commonly avail themselves of all the pretexts that they can find for concealing their wicked dispositions, we are under the necessity of pointing out what meets the eye. It would be great baseness to deny the appropriateness of modesty as the peculiar and constant ornament of virtuous and chaste women, or the duty of all to observe moderation. Whatever is opposed to these virtues it will be in vain to excuse. He expressly censures certain kinds of superfluity, such as curled hair, jewels, and golden rings; not that the use of gold or of jewels is expressly forbidden, but that, wherever they are prominently displayed, these things commonly draw along with them the other evils which I have mentioned, and arise from ambition or from want of chastity as their source."*

A lot of old-fashioned talk to sift through, but I what I want to highlight here is the emphasis of Calvin (and, I believe, the passage itself) on "modesty" as a counterpoint to "excessive eagerness and desire to be richly dressed". Calvin uses the word "chastity" to talk about what we often refer to as modesty: not dressing to be sexually alluring. "Modesty", in his vocabulary, is is about not dressing to highlight one's wealth, to achieve one's ambitions (whether for attention, a sense of superiority, or some other worldly advantage), or to display oneself (he does mention "either for the sake of pride or of departure from chastity", as both are certainly temptations). 

We often hear in the church of the need to be modest in the modern sense I mentioned. Depending on how conservative your church is, that could be anything from only wearing floor-length dresses to covering your chest to a certain height. These are what Calvin refers to as "a fixed limit" and says that a godly teacher will seek to guide the conscience and address the disposition rather than making rules. Not that choosing not to dress in a provocative way is wrong-- far from it!-- but rules prescribing exactly what is and is not appropriately chaste tend to miss that the emphasis in Scripture is on a more subtle heart issue.**

Calvin speaks of "Ephesus, being a city of vast wealth and extensive merchandise." What could be more descriptive of us in the affluent West? I believe we could do well to take to heart Calvin's charge to begin with "the dispositions; for where debauchery reigns within, there will be no chastity; and where ambition reigns within, there will be no modesty in the outward dress." I believe I spent the majority of the last ten years dressing, in some sense or another, to impress. Whether this took the form of dressing like a punk to show people I was above all their petty consumerist attitudes, or trying to emulate the women I saw on The Sartorialist to display my superior fashion sense, it certainly came from a disposition of ambition, not of Christlike humility.

When I look at my Saviour who "did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped", I am ashamed of myself for trying to use clothing as a way to make myself look better than others. My prayer and hope going forward is that I can devote less time and energy to attempting to raise my status through clothing, and more time and energy to what God calls "proper" for the women who serve him-- good works. Meditating on the glorious truth that my status before God is already secure in Christ should serve to fight my fleshly desire towards self-promotion.

Is it wrong to dress in a way that is fun, fashion-forward, unusual, or high-end? I don't think that can be Scripturally argued. The issue of how to dress in a God-honouring way is deeply nuanced and must encompass, for starters, the topics of respectability, creativity, and Christian liberty, as well as what I've begun discussing here. However, I think it can be Scripturally argued that modern Christian women could benefit from a swing more in the other direction-- away from telling each other that it's okay to enjoy dressing up and fashion, and towards what Calvin calls "the duty of all to observe moderation." We must strive for wisdom and balance in every issue not specifically prescribed in Scripture, and I believe in the present-day, we need to move towards moderation to achieve balance.

I want to end, then, with a challenge to my sisters in the church: Calvin says, "This at least will be settled beyond all controversy, that every thing in dress which is not in accordance with modesty and sobriety must be disapproved." Do you think you could describe how everything about how you dress as "in accordance with modesty*** and sobriety"? Will you pray and ask the Spirit to reveal to you if your clothing choices are driven by ambition instead of godly character?

*Quote sourced from Christian Classics Ethereal Library.

**And vilify the female body over the human heart, but that's a topic for another post...

***In Calvin's "not putting on a display" sense.